Plant and Pest Hotline, may I help you?

"Why did your plant die?

You walked too close, you trod on it,

You dropped a piece of sod on it.

You hoed it down, you weeded it.

You planted it the wrong way up,

you grew it in a yogurt cup.

But you forgot to make the hole;

The soggy compost took its toll.

September storm, November drought.

It heaved in March, the roots popped out.

You watered it with herbicide.

You scattered bonemeal fr and wide.

You walked too close, you trod on it.

You dropped a piece of sod on it."

- David Godine, from A Gardener Obsessed

"All day I hoe weeds

All night I sleep

All night I hoe again

In dreams the weeds of the day."

Anon, translated from Japanese by Kenneth Rexroth

quote

"What continues to astonish me about a garden is that you can walk past it in a hurry, see something wrong, stop to set it right, and emerge and hour or two later breathless, contented, and wondering what on earth happened."

- Dorothy Gilman

gardening humor

Plant alphabetically!
Alyssum in the first row, Bulbs in the second, and so on.
That'll put your Weeds way in the back!
-Anon.

quote Life

"If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously reexamine your life." - Bill Watterson

quote

"Besides germination, April is also the month for planting.  With enthusiasm, yes, with wild enthusiasm and impatience you order seedlings from the nurseries, for you cannot exist any longer without them; you promised all your friends who have gardens that you would come for cuttings; I tell you that you are never satisfied with what you already have.  And so, one day, some 170 seedlings meet in your house, and they must be planted immediately; and then you look round in your garden and find with overwhelming certainty that you have no space left for them!  ...'No, it's not possible here,' he murmurs in a low voice; 'here I have those damned chrysanthemums; phlox would smother it here...and near this achillea there is no room either--where shall I put it?  ...Ha, here is a bit of space; wait, my little seedling, in a moment I will make your bed.  So, there you are, and now grow in peace.'  Yes, but in two days the gardener will discover that he has planted it right on top of the scarlet shoots of an emerging evening primrose..."
- Karel Capek, from The Gardener’s Year

quote

"If it were of any use, every day the gardener would fall on his knees and pray somehow like this:
O Lord, grant that in some way it may rain every day, say from about midnight until three o'clock in the morning, but you see, it must be gentle and warm so that it can soak in; grant that at the same time it would not rain on campion, alyssum, helianthemum, lavender, and the others which you in your infinite wisdom know are drought-loving plants--I can write their names on a bit of paper if you like--and grant that the sun may shine the whole day long, but not everywhere...and not too much; that there may be plenty of dew and little wind, enough worms, no plant-lice and snails, no mildew, and that once a week, thin liquid manure and guano may fall from Heaven. Amen. "
-Karel Capek, The Gardener's Year, 1929

quote

"A real gardener is not a man who cultivates flowers; he is a man who cultivates the soil ... If he came into the Garden of Eden he would sniff excitedly and say: "Good Lord, what humus!"
- Karl Capek

a silly season classic

"I am a wayward, willful, contrary gardener. I don't follow seed-packet directions."
- Barbara Dodge Borland

"Every year, back comes spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants."
- Dorothy Parker, 1893-1967, American author, poet, journalist, humorist


April Fools, need a smile? Try out this solid gold classic "Garden Humor" site. Back whenever- in the 90's, I enormously enjoyed "Dibble's" storytelling - whenever his next installment arrived in my e-mailbox...
http://home.golden.net/~dhobson/

an internet classic for catalog addicted gardeners

I first read this website ten years ago when it was on members dot tripod... If you like reading plant catalogs, have fun... then go read the link at the bottom of the page - Plant Delights, for a really good catalog.
http://www.shadydealsnursery.com/

on a lighter note

Crib notes. Cheer up, Gloomy Gus!

quote

"If it's rare, we want it. If it's tiny and impossible to grow, we've got to have it. If it's brown, looks dead, and has black flowers, we'll kill for it."
- Ken Druse

"An exercise in faith, it has been called, this consumptive pastime of ours, to believe that a bed, once more colorful with handwritten plastic than plants, would become a billowing border the following spring."
- Daniel Hinkley and Robert Jones

a small bit of comic relief - Chia Pet!

I was bopping around the channels on the Tube a few evenings ago, after Herb had turned in for the night, and landed on a random channel showing a stage set with the big word, SALVIA! written across the backdrop ... a gardening show?

No, Dr. Phil (whom I admit I have no patience for), was pushing and pulling some willing edjit (where do they get these people?) through the wringer concerning her inability to parent her son, her problem being that she was letting this kid use drugs, including the latest boogieman of the plant kingdom, (gasp!) Salvia.

Salvia, indeed.

You'd think a doctor would have a better grasp on basic botany than to allow his stage designer to smear a whole genus of diverse but related plants by putting just their in-common name up on a Dr. Phil's Billboard of Shame.

Scatter shot Phil was actually aiming at Salvia divinorum, a hallucinogenic Salvia used by indigenous North Americans in their religious tradition, but that big sign offended the herb gardener in me ...

I happen to like Salvias.
I use various Salvias for colorful yard ornamentation, to stuff my poultry, and to flavor my signature tea blends.
I even use one member of the great Salvia genus for Silliness.

Okay, everyone, now sing along with me...
"Chi, Chi, Chi, Chia PET!"

My depressed local area shaping up to be Garage Sale Central for 2009, I found a Chia Pet Kitty locally, for less than a song on Itunes.

(On consideration, I don't know why my family never bought me a Chia Kit for a holiday or a birthday - did they think I was too sophisticated? Ha! Shows how little they know me, or listen to my broad hinting.)

Anywho, I sent away for Chia seeds, Salvia hispanica, from Richters, who also sells the bad Salvia, by the way.

So, my friends, follow along with me on a little pictorial tutorial on the "Greening of the Kitty".
First: soak your Kitty. Overnight. Soak a small quantity of the Chia seeds as well. They generate a delightful mucus. This project is great for adolescents of all ages.

With your fingers, spread the mucus-y Chia seeds into the grooves on the Kitty.

Devise a little tent of plastic film to keep the seeds hydrated. Place Kitty in a bright spot, remembering to refill her water cavity as needed.

In a matter of a few days, rootlets form, and leaflets.

Another day with good light, Greenness.

And in a few days, with spritzing and watering Kitty, here is what you have:

Cute, huh?
Here is what Richter's catalogue says about Chia:
Incredible supergrain!
An ounce of Chia seed has as much omega-3 as 8 ounces of Atlantic salmon, as much calcium as a cup of milk, the fibre of 1/3 cup of bran, the Vitamin C of 2 oranges, the potassium of half a banana.

Aztecs called it "the running food" because messengers could run all day on a handful of seeds.

The J. L. Hudson seed catalog mentions there are 900 species in the genus Salvia, and of S. hispanica writes that the mucus-y Chia seed hydrated in water or juice "resemble(s) frog's eggs, the whole being drunk and is quite refreshing. ... also an old California-Mexican remedy for diarrhea."

cute fun

Not Hannah (link) pointed out this fun site ... make your own superhero. The Strange Masked Philanthropist? s'okay!
I wish!
So, Who are you? Hey, it was 17 degrees this morning (and 29 right now). The only gardening I can do is indoors!

Hey Not Hannah, we have the same taste in wings!

How NOT to cook a Christmas bird

Happy Festivus!
Except for complaints about the weather (It's Cold!) my 2008 list of grievances is on my cranky blog, so here, in the spirit of holiday fun, is a classic bit of silliness from Mr. Bean to put a smile on your face:

A winter's tale

Victory gardens! The basic sustainable living idea whose time has come again, I'd say. I borrowed this historically relevant video circa 1943 from City Farmer to share with you. Click on the links to see all of City Farmer's videos.


Watch 1943 - You Cannot Eat Lilies - Victory Garden Video in How to Videos  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

NGJL - ice cream castles in the air

I was sitting in the dentist chair yesterday watching HGTV when a commercial came on for a 'green house giveaway' which reminded the dental hygienist of a story she'd heard. A woman won a really, really big lottery and paid off all of her family's mortgages. And then she won another big one, and spent it all on herself, which led the young lady working on my teeth on a beautiful Michigan spring day to comment that winning all of that money was a scary thought.
Scary?
Not exactly the word I'd have used.

So, in the usual manner of significant things just 'turning up' on my path, this morning the video posted here was in my mailbox, waiting to be connected for y'all.
What would you do with three trillion dollars?

The Three Trillion dot org interactive website is lotsa good clean fun, and makes me wonder why we don't have the collective will as a nation to spend our fortune on good things.
Go try it out: you can even put your kid's mortgages and health insurance for your grandchildren in your 'shopping cart'...

Most of the time, I'm a Canna

But this time, when I answered the questions on the little quiz, I've become a Snapdragon. Maybe I changed my mind about what color to paint my room?

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

we have nothing to fear but fear itself

2,336,880How Many Germs Live On Your Keyboard?